I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
