You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The maid of honor just puked.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
