When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
