We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this just has baby written all over it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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