Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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