You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
