Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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