so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
