she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
