Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
