I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
