I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
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