I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
