She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
