Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We named our party play list daddy issues
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
