I'm going to jail i love you
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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