I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
