You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
