We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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