Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
