oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
