How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
