I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
