If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
