when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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