final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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