just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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