my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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