I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
