I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
