my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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