that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
