you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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