Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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