So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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