I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
