He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Acid is not a monday night drug
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
