K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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