I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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