If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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