Plan B is the new Plan A
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
