its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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