Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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