The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
