I faked an abortion last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
