fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
