Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
