Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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