This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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