Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
