I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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