After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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